- Dr. Lalit Chawla
E#34: What to do on Valentine's Day
In this weeks episode I'll share with you my perspective on love, death and regret.
(This is the core of the transcript from the podcast. The Intro has been removed and some areas improved for reading ease.)
Welcome folks today is Valentine's Day, and I don't want to make too big of a deal about it, but I don't want to ignore it either. It's an important day in some respects and I do want to share a few quick original thoughts on this that I know could serve you.
Valentine's day stands for love. Love can mean so much from the romantic notion as is implied by valentine days, to the lusty aspect of it, which I'm not focusing on in this episode but a bit on a future episode, to the essential element of making sure you are connected. Not only with the people closest to you, but also connected with yourself when you acknowledge your inner strengths, flaws and authenticity.
If you know me, you know that I believe the quality of your life really depends on the quality of your relationships and how you continue to nurture those relationships.
"If you know me, you know that I believe the quality of your life really depends on the quality of your relationships and how you continue to nurture those relationships.
The last six months have been quite a loss for a few people close to me. My father-in-law passed away at the beginning of January. A few friends of mine lost a close family member. Two friends of mine had accidental deaths of their pets, and just recently, a friend of mine's brother passed away, Unfortunately at a very young age 45, actually Dr. Ken Milne's brother, Scott Milne. I interviewed Ken earlier last week for the podcast and my thoughts and prayers goes to him and his family.
Now, I don't want this podcast to be very long. I just want to state some vital unique messages for you to think about on Valentine's day with a few thoughts that may not be so obvious.
The first is that we forget how important people are or how important certain things are until we lose them. And I know you know this, but the reason I think we forget how important people are for two reasons:
One, we take things for granted since we're too busy. I know that when I was younger, I certainly thought my mom would live forever but she died at a young age of 52 from breast cancer. It taught me the value of being present and being more mindful and appreciative and patient in relationships.
if you were to die today or if somebody close to you passed away today, would you feel any regret?
So remember to be kind and connect with people you love and it's sometimes useful to ask the question: if you were to die today or if somebody close to you passed away today, would you feel any regret? Because one of the biggest regrets people have when they are dying is that they wish they had the courage to express themselves. They wish they had been more connected and more vocal about how other people or what other people meant to them.
And you don't have to do it in a big way. You don't have to use the word "love." You can use an action like the little tap on the shoulder or even buying a coffee, that means that you are invested in them, and they mean something to you. Even a kind, gentle smile, sharing a joke or laughter, means something. It means you cared enough to connect. I think of that regularly, especially for the people closest to me.
When somebody dies, we sometimes feel sad that we won't be able to share the good times again or have a dialogue with them. But equally, sadness can result if there was anything left unsaid. And I don't want to make this any more complicated than it needs to be giving that it is Valentine's Day, but the question for you to ask is "if someone close to you passed away tomorrow would you feel any regret for not conveying to them how meaningful they were to you?"
Sometimes you need to pull away from a relationship ...for your own safety or your own mental health, but that does not necessarily mean you hate the other person.
And I know things get complicated in relationships. Sometimes you need to pull away from a relationship that you are bound to because they are a family member or a friend but knowing that you had to pull away for your own safety or your own mental health, but that does not necessarily mean you hate the other person. It may simply mean that the relationship couldn't have been deeper because you may be in your journey with the knowledge and awareness you had at that time. Still, more importantly, the other person was/is on their journey, and they just could not act or behave to be more connected with you.
Sometimes you may have done all you could at the time, and that's okay. Be kind to yourself and others. And kindness means being grounded in time-honoured principles of respect and health.
The other key point I want to make is don't forget to remember the importance of how different people communicate, and I wish I had saved my podcast on love languages (Episode 12) for Valentine's Day, but I didn't. In would be an ideal one to listen. There is some golden information in there which I didn't create, it was written from the work created by Dr. Gary Chapman.
Some people just express it differently. For some people it really drives there actions and motivations
It will serve you exceptionally; in fact, you should stop this podcast and jump to that one because that is probably one of the most important concepts I've ever learned, which has helped my relationships tremendously. Once you learn that concept, you will change the way you see yourself, your partner, and how couples can connect.
The final comment about love and connection is that it is a significant human need — one of the six core human needs that influence people's actions. I won't go into detail here, but I will do a future podcast on the six core human needs and how it impacts us. Briefly they are the need for certainty,variety. The need for significance in other words recognition. And the need for love and connection. These are the four primary needs. They don't give our lives meaning, but they are necessary to keep us alive and survive. But the 5th and 6th needs are for growth and contribution. They are the ones that make us live a more passionate life that gives us joy.
This is Valentine's Day, and it's a day for love and connection, and different people have different ways of meeting this need. Some people just express it differently. For some people it really drives there actions and motivations, think about your friends, the ones that wants to be with people or cares about how they are treated more than others. They may get lonely easier, they may need to spend more time connecting not only with others but with themselves, like some introverts. Then you have friends or family that may not need it as much. It doesn't drive their day to day actions as much.
But whatever it is for you, today is valentines day, and make sure you connect with your key people. Not only your partner but the people in your life and live each day with a healthy level of love and connection because, in my opinion, relationships and the quality relationships and how you nurture and develop them is the key to living a life with greater harmony and joy.
Have a happy Valentine's Day weekend. May you find greater joy, magic and love in all your connection with people that you care about.
I hope this podcast served you in some way, if you've enjoyed listening to this podcast, please share with a friend or colleague - send them this episode to let them know you were thinking of the.
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I'm Dr. Lalit Chawla and thank you so much for listening. Have a wonderful Valentine's day weekend.
I would love to hear any comments about this podcast and what would you like to her in future episodes?